The first 18 years of my life unfolded calmly for me in terms of public speaking. Using my voice in front of others was never a problem. I was pretty confident and sprinkled a bit of humor in everything I said and did. All was well.
Then, I turned 18 and began attending an English-speaking college - I must say here that my mother tongue is French. On a Tuesday morning, during an English class, I was asked to read the passage of a book aloud. It was the first time that I had to speak English in front of others. At the time, I was beginning to be fluent in English, but was not quite as confident as I am today. Also, the class was mostly composed of native English speakers.
I guess that what happened next is that I got scared. Scared of judgment. Afraid of how my English accent would sound to the rest of the class. So, as soon as I mumbled the first sentence, my heart started pounded very intensely. My breath began to cut. It felt as if I was drowning, literally. And everybody was waiting silently for me to finish my paragraph. Every word was an immense challenge, because I did not want to show that I was panicking.
Then, I was done. Return to calm, just glad I could rest, even though I thought I looked ridiculous. My best friend was sat just besides me. He asked me if I was OK. He noticed my heartbeat through my t-shirt.
It was the first episode of many.
What I should have done
I should have stopped reading. I should have stopped this combat, which I was clearly losing. I could have told the teacher that I was not feeling well. There’s nothing wrong with that. It would have spared me this traumatizing fight. However, I suggest that you don’t use this strategy without trying to read first… If you do, you’ll never learn. You’ll always flee. Use this strategy as a last resort.
Silver lining
I’m not sure that this episode presents any bright side. I’m glad my friend never spoke of it. He never laughed. Maybe he was as scared as me. I’m not sure. The silver lining is that this specific episode never left the classroom – not that I’m aware of.
If this ever happens to you, or if you are currently caught in this loop, let me tell you: it can end. You can stop feeling this. I did. It takes some time and efforts, but if you want to overcome it, it’s possible. I’ll share tips every Monday. Don’t hesitate to write to me and share your story. It’s the first step to becoming comfortable with this issue.
Talk to you soon,
Matt